Dear Lucy, What made you quit your slutty ways? -- Sam the Methid Man Two things. One, seeing Lydia so happy in her monogamous relationship with Dirk. It kinda makes a girl jealous, you know? Sorta gave me pause to re-evaluate my own relationships. Two, finding out that Fisk had a girlfriend. It felt weird being the "other woman," and it occured to me that I didn't want to be anyone's "other woman," or have anyone else feel like my "other man." I still play around more than most might, with Zig and with Fisk when I get the chance, and sometimes Jezzebel. But not as much. Dear Lucy, Can you please tell us more about New Talia? How big is it (in relation to a state or province)? Does the Mountain Dew have caffeine or not? Do they have a president, prime minister, dictator? Is prostitution legal there? Okay, enough fluff, on to the question to which everyone has been dying to know the ander: Is it true that Fisk was actually born as your sister, but later had The Operation? Is it also true that he went to Atlanta to have a second Operation to restore his former self so he could elope with Dirk (as a result of their frequent love-fests)? Eternally Yours, Sphynn Wow, my very own stalker. New Talia is approximately the size of New Jersey, though rounder. The Mountain Dew actually does not have caffeine. The head of state is officially Queen Elizabeth II of England, represented currently by Governor General Edward Addams. The head of government that actually runs the place, though, is the Prime Minister, Amy Manson. And prostitution is illegal here. As for your second question... all I can do is shake my head and wonder how people come up with this stuff. Dear Lucy. What does all that computer babble in the recent strips translate to in English? Wm. Van Ness At the time I got this letter, the strips starting here were "recent." Just so you know. According to Lydia, the basic glossary is something like this: a/s/l? appears to be a question about what kind of Internet connection is being used. However, Lydia also suspects the person may be asking if you have an ADSL connection specifically. camper is an adjective used to describe someone annoying (see also: fag). A fag is someone annoying, often described as "camper." The letters "l" and "o" are used alternatingly in sequence, as in "lolol." This has a dual function, serving either as punctuation at the beginning or end of a sentence; or as indication that the person typing isn't very smart, and should be treated nicely because they don't know any better. NMFYS even has Lydia stumped. rofl is like lolol, but isn't used as punctuation. stfu means the person typing is so angry, they've simply mashed their hand against the keyboard in a display of their fury. wtf is an abbreviation for "what the fuck." I've got a little quandry for you, thought you could help. I'm currently in a long distance relationship, and I don't get to see my lady friend often. She's coming in the day after Christmas for a few days, and was wondering, could you give a few tips on ways to make her trip "worth the effort" if you catch my drift. I was thinking cuffs and leather, but is that too cliche'? -Kyreo Ooh, I know exactly what you mean. And yeah, dressing as Santa Claus is a bit overdone. Plus it doesn't really apply after Christmas. If you really want to make the trip "worth the effort," the best thing to do is take her out to all your area's attractions. I don't know where you live, so I can't give specific examples, but if I had a special someone coming to New Talia who I wanted to give a good time, I'd show 'em the capital in Comultan, and maybe take them up to Mt. Lucy. In summer, I'd also take them to Shell Beach, but it's not as nice in winter. Mountains are better. Go skiing or snowboarding, or just huddle up by the fire with some hot chocolate. Unless you're in the southern hemisphere, of course. Then take her to the beach. Dear Lucy, When you told Phil that you knew jack-all about Final Fantasy, was that true, or did you just say that to shut his word hole? I'm just saying, because if you chose your costume based on what fanboys think is sexy, then you must have only gone to 8-Bit Theater and maybe a scarce few other places, because otherwise you probably would have found a zillion sites focusing more on the girls from Final Fantasy 7, or maybe 8 or 10. Don't get me wrong, you made a really good-looking White Mage, but I'm just saying that if you based your decision solely on the internet, it seems more likely that you would have been inspired to go with one of the later games. BTW, you dealt with Phil the right way. We geeks as a species need to learn that somehow, despite all logic, using lame RPG-related double entendres will usually NOT get a hot girl to tear her clothes off and beg us to take them right there. It's crazy, but you can't argue with facts. --Crow Magnon PS. "Hey baby, want to draw out the Master Sword?" doesn't work for Legend of Zelda fans, either. That letter was so long, and I understood so little of it, that I don't want to risk writing a space-consuming reply that might be wrong. I don't know anything about how many Final Fantasies there are, because I figured the first one was, you know, final. As for the rest, all the BTWs and RPGs and references to swords and legends and someone named Zelda have me too confused to add anything. Maybe I'll ask Lydia to add those to her glossary when I'm done here. Dear Lucy, we all know your enjoyment of lord of the ring. what was your opinion of the two towers? -Orin J. Good question. First, because I so love it, I must be an uptight, picky bitch and point out that the first movie you're referring to is called The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring, or you can just abbreviate it to the latter half. All the movies in the series can be accurately called The Lord of the Ring, so you have to specify. This ain't the first Star Wars, you know. Anyway, I thought The Two Towers was pretty decent. Not as great as The Fellowship of the Ring, though. I don't know why, it just... didn't move me the same way. I did think Gollum was the coolest character ever, almost making up for the fact that Gimli seemed to have spent his time between films practicing being less cool and more like Chris Farley. I'm also rather enjoying the growing gay love subplot between Frodo and Sam. I can't wait to see them share a "special moment" together in The Return of the King, where Sam gets to claim a precious ring of his own, if you know what I mean. "The ever-watchful One Eye," indeed. Hey Lucy, Is your hair actually white, or some other color? I decided to ask after I noticed on another website that Nikashi's hair is blue. Also, could you ask him why he decided to go with blue? (or was he born that way?) Kilian San Francisco, CA Yep, my hair is white. Pretty, isn't it? As for Nikashi, his coloration is like a skunk's, but with blue where the white should be and pink where the black should be. And he was born that way, so he had no choice in the matter. A "cotton candy mewphit," he calls himself, a mewphit being a half-cat, half-skunk as I described previously. Don't know what genetics lead to that, but there's all kinds of species in the world. If foxes can be centaurs, why can't skunk cats be pink and blue? No reason I can see. Now I'm wondering what color his dick is. And what color his cum is. Thanks a lot. That's all I'm gonna think about whenever I see him from now on. Dear Lucy. I've noticed that your little world is full of either lesbians or bisexual women... in fact Lydia and Dirk's sister are the only females I can think of who aren't at least bisexual. While I can count all the gay/bi men on one hand without lifting any fingers. Why are all these lesbians running around while gay guys are relagated to a running gag involving Dirk, the brother formerly known as Fisk, and hot man-sex? Is Matt really pro-choice on sexuality, or is he just another guy who likes his lesbians? Curiously Le Dragon O' De Shadows That's a good question, and I don't know the answer. Let me ask Mat... Hi there, LDODS. The list of gay/bi women in the comic is (as best I can think of right now): Lucy, Whiplash, Cala, Jezzebel and Zig Zag. Straight women in the comic have included Lucy's mom, Lydia's mom, Desi, Linda, Lydia, Magic, Hell Katt, Sally, and even Lola.So there have actually been more straight women that bi ones. Additionally, realize that Cala, Jezzebel, Zig Zag and Lucy's mom weren't actually created by me, but borrowed from friends, and I had no say in their sexual orientation. Historically, though, the women who recur the most have been Lucy, Lydia, Zig Zag and Lola, and Lola doesn't really count, so the ratio of bi to straight has appeared to have been 2:1 for the most part, even though it is actually close to 2:1 in favor of heterosexual females overall. As for the sexuality of the male characters, there are more bi guys than you think. They are just more minor characters, so you don't tend to see their sexual exploits as much. So who's bi? I'll let you speculate. Hi Lucy, um I'm a big fan and all, but I really need some advice. My little brother is sitting here at the breakfast table eating honeycombs cereal, and he seems to be choking. His face is kinda white, and he can't make any sound. His eyes are just real big, and he's flapping his arms a lot. What should I do? -Catgrrlx-11 Well, since it's now been three weeks since you sent me this email, I'd make funeral arrangements for your dead brother. Then I'd sue Post. Honeycombs are supposed to have holes in them, which would have allowed him to breathe somewhat. He obviously got a misshapen one, and it has now lead to his death. That's probably worth a few hundred thousand dollars if you have a good lawyer. Dear Lucy, I was wondering if there was any sort of connection between you and Lola? I mean, she is the greatest, sweetest kittie in the world, and I am sure that she would gladly accept any movements towards her. Lola is kinda, and pretty, and downright hot. Who wouldn't love her? She is so deprived? Please? Love, Lola Anonymous Yes, "Anonymous," you are right. Lola is pretty cool. But as Mat just explained, she is also straight, and would not want me coming on to her. And she has a boyfriend, as depicted in an old comic. Lola would have known that, Imposter. I mean, Anonymous. It's a good thing you're Anonymous and not someone pretending to be Lola, otherwise I would have had to berate you for trying to trick me into thinking you were someone you are not. I can always tell those things, you know.