 It started out innocently enough. Sorta. I went to Anthrocon, and when I came back, there was an email in my inbox. It was from one Jamie Malecki, with the subject, "FUCK YOUR COMIC!" It read as follows: SHERER?: MAY YOU FUCKING BURN IN HELL FOR YOUR SHIT COMICS. DO NOT REPLY. Now, I naturally found this amusing. It gave no reason for me to burn in hell, aside from the fact that my comics were "shit." I do agree that they can be shit, but surely they are not offensive, just boring and dumb sometimes. Well, because I am a bastard, I replied. But because I'm not too much of a bastard, I didn't make a solid attempt to egg him on. My reply was this: Okay, I won't. I wasn't sure if that would be the end of it, but I also didn't particularly care. But then my dear friend Marcy Osedo IM'd me and told me the story of how she dealt with this Jamie Malecki, AKA "Jalecki," in 2003. The details were not entirely specific, but the basic idea was that he was nuts. That was good to know, and it was also good to know that he had not become less nuts in three years. Our story could end there, and not warrent its own page on the site, had I not then received a second email... Sherer?: First, HOW DARE YOU deliberately DISOBEY me in replying! Pissed off at you, I did not look at your damn response, you had no right. >:( Although, and alright, I am fucking sorry for giving you shit. But I am not sorry that you have proven yourself one of many SELFISH BASTARDS who never want the Internet to be safe. I have never seen your shit-filled comic, but I cannot take lightly its shit-ridden concept. But if you have gotten away with it all, may you be fucking satisfied, and an apology from you will be fucking empty. >:( May you burn playing with fire and DO NOT speak to me again, asshole. >:( Needless to say, this is one of the most insane emails I have ever received, if not the most insane. It took me days, along with input from a few readers, to even figure out what he was talking about. Help came primarily from two sources. First was Greg Morrow: Now you know you're famous, since you've officially received hate mail from this idiot. As I understand it, Jamie despises any furry comic that attempts to take things above the most g-rated levels of content, and this puts her squarely in opposition of two folks I know you respect: Brian Burke and Eric Schwartz. Amusingly, Jalecki (as she tried to pass herself off as) isn't an SA goon, but a dyed in the wool furry... who has an inexplicable hatred of furry sexuality. :S Jalecki is male, but that's beside the point. The point is that I had a clue now as to who this guy was. So I did a little search on Google, and found a WikiFur entry. WikiFur, of course, is like a furry version of Wikipedia. The entry is kind of long, and links to other entries, so I won't copy it here. I will provide a link instead: Well, that's pretty... self-gratifying. Shortly after mentioning this find on the website proper, I got an email from Laurence "GreenReaper" Parry, founder of WikiFur: Heheh . . . ahh, Jamie, the fun times we've had with him over at WikiFur. As founder I tended to get to deal with him, which was an interesting experience. This is just a small taster: http://furry.wikia.com/wiki/User_talk:GreenReaper/Policy3#Explicit_or_not.3F.3F.21.21 He did actually ask for it to be unblanked two days later - the drama hounds rarely want obscurity. Then, out of the blue, eight months later, I get this: ----
I refuse to affiliate with ASSHOLES LIKE YOU. Because that existing shit of me and copyrights still stands on Wikifur, that is a VIOLATION of my rights. I was too stupid to see Wikifur WAS NOT safe and I blame you. >:( Because of all this shit, I do not want your apology, fuck it and fuck you. >:( DO NOT reply this message, asshole. Drown in your tears and get the fuck lost. >:(
No idea where that came from. I do wonder if he just gets off on complaining to people. Oh ho! Now we're getting somewhere. The link in that email really is fascinating, and I urge you to check it out, if only because it contains yet another email from Jalecki, and those, it has become abundantly clear, never get old. It also happens to have his email address.
Anyway, all this is back story. The important thing is that, after I got that second email from Jalecki, I was unsure how to respond. At the urging of both Marcy and Mike Vega, I eventually decided on this:
Okay.
However, there were so many other ways a man could reply to that email. So I asked you, the readers, to come up with your own replies. Here's what I got.
Angie was first out of the gate, writing as if from my point of view:
First of all, the internet is safe as long as you use protection... kind of like sex, eh? Well, not that you would know. Also, I am curious how you can know my comic's concept if you've never read it. Are you psychic or something? Are YOU one of the X-men? I think not. And yes, I am happy because my comic brings joy to many readers out there... besides you. You don't count. You're like what Aquaman is to the Justice Friends, but he's cooler than you; he can talk to sea-creatures. You, on the other hand, are just annoying. If annoying someone and swearing at them in an e-mail could kill people, I'm sure you'd be the murderer of thousands by now. Sorry, got a little side tracked there. Gotta get back to the e-mail you sent me. Okay, so... how DARE YOU not read the reply I sent you? I mean, I worked hard in thinking of that reply of three words! Would it have killed you to read it? I mean, I slave over a hard table/in front of a blinding monitor for these comics and I take time out of MY life to assure you I won't reply and you don't even ACKNOWLEDGE IT?!?! Fine... you know what? It's OVER between us. No more. We're through. Even though your hate mail amuses me, I shall no longer read it! Okay, that's a total lie. You and I both know that I will continue to read it. And out of spite, I shall respond to it, no matter how many times you tell me not to! That is how maniacally evil I am! Well, I thank you for your time and hate mail but I must go now and continue drawing MY COMIC!! May fleas and lice inhabit inappropriate places on your body for many life times. Adios gilipollas!
Serge Stiles came next, with a variety of responses, also from my point of view:
[Number 1] Malecki?: You have proven yourself one of many SELFISH BASTARDS who never want the Internet to be safe. I have never seen your shit-filled face, but I cannot take lightly its shit-ridden concept. But if you have gotten away with it all, may you be fucking satisfied, and an apology from you will be fucking empty. >:( May you burn playing with fire and DO NOT speak to me again, asshole. >:(
(Kinda to say... Right back atcha, buddy!)
[Number 2] Do you happen to know how many bananas go in a great banana bread recipe?
(Heheh. Hey, I wanna know!)
[Number 3] You've never read my comic's shit, so how do you know what type of shit you're pissed off at?
(BDK isn't shit, but if you kinda ride along with his insults, it diminishes his fun.)
[Number 4 (longer version of 3)] You've never read my comic's shit, so how do you know what type of shit you're pissed off at? It could be good shit, for all you know. And hey, you just admitted to giving me some of your own personal shit, so I know you must be full equipped with it.
[Number 5] Champagne makes me giggly.
[Number 6] Ah, that reminds me of a great story! I was playing with some matches and a glass candle, and I stuck 'em all in the candle, and then lighted up one and watched as they all started to light up. It made this huse arse flame, and I was like... "Cool." So I left it there for a while while I was on the computer, and then it came time for me to put it out... But I noticed the flame had gotten huge and about three feet into the air! So, wait, wait, it gets better. So I tried to blow it out, but it only kept on growing and crackling like a huge fire does. And I'm thinking, "Fuck, my fire alarm's gonna go off!" And I fucking hate the sound of that, don't you? So I go and I get a cup of water, but then after I poured it on the candle, it EXPLODED! And fire and wax and water and GLASS flew all over and I started to catch on fire a bit, but I was able to slap it out, it was in small places. But the floor was on fire so I had to stomp on it to put it out, and wax got all over my keyboard, chair, desk, wall... And I realized that glass and heat and water was not a good combination. I must've forgot that. Anyway the fire was still fucking huge and now it had less to encase it and keep it in the small container. Still my fire alarm wasn't going off, and the flames were up taller than I was. I ran around in circles for a while reflecting on all the curse words that I knew, until I grabbed a frying pan which was nearby... I don't know why there was a frying pan in my den, but there was. So I put it right over it and there was a satisfying... TSSSSSSSSSSSSS. And when I lifted it up, smoke came out, and the fire was gone. So I had to spend all night and all morning peeling wax off of everything, trying to hide the burn on the floor and being pissed off at the burn in my favourite shirt and the smell of singed hair, that's the worst. So burning while I play with fire? Been there, done that, try to curse me with something else, I bet I have a story for that, too!
(True story.)
But I like the response, as you guys said...
[Number 7] Okay.
Wow, take your pick! Next came a BDK fan, who's only other listed name was BANANA:
Dear GUy Who Is Angry, i would liek to responde to you by first saying, you are way to angry, you should calm down or youll end up murdering a woman named Fran at the supermarket who accidently bumped into you... TRY SMILING
That's right! Next came Tyrel_Roo:
Sure thing! Glad to do business with you.
Jesse Shearer, who we'll forgive for spelling his name wrong, didn't reply to the email per se, but he did provide some amusing insight:
Man, I don't know what medication that guy's on, but whatever it is, he either needs it adjusted, changed, or stopped. If he's not currently on anything, perhaps it's time for him go get on something. Thing is, every time I see something like that, I find myself in the line that goes to the place where folks like me go to get lives, and I say to myself "I'm going to give that guy cuts because he obviously needs to get to the front of the line before I do, preferably way before Ido." In short, it sounds like this Jamie fellow needs mental help and/or a life.
What can you add to that? Sums it all up, doesn't it? Well, Rob had some more stuff to contribute anyway, again from my point of view:
Dear Jamie,
Rob then goes on to say...
Maybe I'm the only person the world that would find that funny.... It would either shut up him up completely or open him up for more mocking. If he's stupid enough to buy it (and that would be sad) or just still wants attention, and complains when you don't end it, you could just play dumb and insist you ended it and has no clue what he's talking about and maintain that position until gets he bored and gives up...either way you win and have the last laugh. Then again he may not be the type to goad... You never know when some disgruntled weirdo is gonna jump out of the bushes and bludgeon you with a sock full of batteries.
Doesn't seem like he is the type to continue following things, so I kinda hope someone emails him and tells him what we're doing here. Anyway, who's next? Oh, it's a different Angie, who doesn't reply to the email, but offers her two cents. And I am broke enough that every two cents is appreciated. Especially if it's American.
The hate e-mail you received should be answered with the response you intend to use regardless of the regurgitated use of the phrases "shit-filled" and "SELFISH BASTARD". This was done by someone who provokes other people for the sake of amusement; he's also contradicted himself for not reading your comic but thinking it's crap anyway, and the line that says "alright, I am fucking sorry for giving you shit" isn't even an apology. Mat, if this guy keeps responding to your "okay", then you're keeping this issue in a humorous light like your comic rather than taking it too seriously, and that's the better thing to do. There are billions of websites out there with people like this one, it's just a shame you happen to be next. Don't take him seriously, and eventually he'll give up if you just reply with "okay". He'll realize that you're not capable of being provoked easily and send his garbage elsewhere.
I think this whole page qualifies as keeping the issue in a humorous light. At least, I hope it does. So, let's see. Next, CJ criticizes me. What? That can't be right...
I'm sorry Mat, but I have to agree with Jamie. I think you should indeed 'bum playing with fire'. And you are such a selfish bastard! How DARE you post your thoughts on hocky and video games on the website you pay for monthly! And expressing your thoughts through poorly drawn cats that clearly want to dominate the internet?! Too far. I suppose next I'll be seeing TV commercials for BDK, demanding that I read it. Too many "Read my comic or else!" banners on the internet. Think of the children, man. Shame shame for light-humored satire!
Before anybody jumps guns, I am pretty sure he's being sarcastic. Personally, I find that email nicely funny, so nobody write in to flame him. Now then, our next contribution comes from Jeremy Harper, who I hope is not related to Stephen:
When you asked for responses to Jamie Malecki's second e-mail, I asked myself how I would respond. I decided that I would attempt to treat the message as a coherent whole, and reply to it point by point, hovering somewhere between politeness and condescension. Here's the result:
To answer your question, I dare deliberately disobey you because you have no authority over me. The wors you can do is e-mail me again, and considering how humorous your reply was, that's not much of a deterrent. Furthermore, in response to your assertion that I had no right to send you an e-mail, I'm uncertain why you believe that when you seem to think that you have every right to send one to me. It's also not clear how replying to an e-mail makes me
selfish, nor how a three-word e-mail makes the internet unsafe. I don't know how you can justify passing judgement on the content and concept of my webcomic without reading it; perhaps if you did read it, you would change your mind. After all, quite a few readers do enjoy it. I'm lost as to why you would wish me bodily harm in such a specific fashion, but since I am always very careful when dealing with fire, it seems rather unlikely. I do, however, accept your
apology, and, considering the fact that we will most likely never meet face-to-face, I will probably never speak to you in the first place, completely precluding the possibility of speaking to you again.
Sir, you are obviously a bigger man than I. Anyhow, next up is Ralph O.
Maybe something that could pass for spam, like from that "Full of Internets" video?
Ahem...
"HI JAMIE! YOU ARE SO FUNNY
Or, the response:
"HELO JAMIE! DUE YOU WUNT A BIGER PEN15 !?
He then goes on to provide a link to the video, which is actually quite hilarious and here. You'll probably want to turn up your volume, though.
There was one more email, but it was more serious in nature, so I won't go into it here.
So that's about it for the Jalecki project for the time being. I do have one footnote to add, however. If you want to send me hate mail, this is the right way to do it:
I just have to ask - why? I come to the site to read a comic. Nowadays, I get a half-assed effort and a venomous rant putting people down for their tastes in movies. I happen to think Little Man and Monster House both look good - I love old Looney Toons cartoons, and the thought of a movie based on an oft-used premise in said cartoons sounds promising. I'm a fan of slapstick and cheap humor, and I find those who loudly proclaim they are not to be snobs who somehow manage to fit sticks AND their own heads up their asses. As for Monster House, the house itself looked creative and well-done on the movie poster, and since there has been a shortage of my beloved 2D films lately, 3D movies have formed a suitable replacement, with their similarly bright colors and exaggerated features. And, on the contrary, I find it looks LESS retarded than most 3D movies, in that it dares to be grimmer and has less of that feel-good fluff.
Coincidentally, I find it ironic that you judge others so harshly, and yet churn out a comic with self-admitted poor quality on a regular basis. Yet obviously, I don't mind this, and read your comic anyway because I like the drawings even if they AREN'T top-notch, and I think
the jokes are funny when they're not making vicious commentary on people I've never even heard of.
I don't have a problem with opinion, I have a problem with insulting others' opinions. Oh, right, a cheap comeback: And as an advocate of evolution, I must note my astonishment at your bloodline's perseverence to survive. So here it is, possibly your first intelligible hate mail.
See, now that is a proper hate mail. It is well written, provides balanced, honest opinion, and has almost nothing that I can make fun of. All I could possibly say would be that the opinion of someone who is looking forward to seeing Little Man, even putting aside Monster House, cannot be valid. But even saying that, I look like the immature one. So, you know, well played! There is nothing I can do about that.
And thus, until I hear from him again, the Jalecki Project comes to a close. Thank you to everyone who participated.
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